The Calm New Normal
Days like today, days that are meant to celebrate specific family members, can be difficult for those of us who have complex relationships with folks.
Example: I am so far into no contact with my bio-male-parent that I took my mother's maiden name as my new last name when they got divorced. I even worked for my mom's divorce attorney at the time and typed up the actual filed divorce decree. But wait! There's more! My bio-male-parent turned out to be a conman, white collar thief, that I helped put in jail by working with the investigators to compile evidence. And that is just the end of the story – there were over 20 years of tears before it all boiled over in civil and criminal court.
Alllll that to say, I understand the layered nuance of emotions days like Father's Day and Mother's Day can cause. Or lack thereof; because that's really what this ramble is about. The peace that some of us find once we've gone no contact and taken the time for that no contact to become the calm new normal. When we've worked through and processed the guilt, loneliness, sadness, heartbreak, resentment, anger, and betrayal that resulted in us cutting that last familial tie to someone we had habitually been conditioned to love no matter how poorly they treated us.
Because that's what this is. It's finally peaceful on days like today when we are supposed to honor a person that could never act honorable. Or ethical. Or moral. Hell, even decent was a bar too high to achieve.
And yeah, let's also talk about the fact that I'm looking forward to the news of my bio-male-parent's passing. Because when that day comes, the vulnerable little girl and defiant teenager in me will finally have the true peace of their daily monster no longer being out there somewhere.
The bright side to all of this though is that I now have the incredible opportunity to write really good dads. And moms. And healthy family dynamics. I want the character voices in my head to thrive and be happy and the best versions of themselves – and thankfully none of them have been overly problematic so far (Book 3's masculine lead needed a little borderline therapy to get his head out of his ass, but since we worked through the touch of assholery that the voice was flirting with, his personality has blossomed beautifully!)
So that’s it – a simple acknowledgment that days like today can be difficult in a lot of ways to people who have been strong enough to choose their peace and safety over social norms and family traditions (which are really just expectations of dead people … and I hate rules written by live people, so the ones required by those no longer of this mortal coil seem entirely preposterous to me).